Early Bird Special

According to a local report in the apparently disgunsting state of Florida, sexually transmitted diseases among senior citizens are running rampant at one popular retirement community. The report featured one woman at the shocking age of 80.

"All I can repeat are the things I have heard which are things like, 'Should I bring the little blue pills over tonight?'"

Ew. Doctors blame Viagra, a lack of sex education, no risk for pregnancy, and the guy ten pictures below for the increase in sexually transmitted diseases in the community. Ew.

The shocking truth [LOCAL6.COM]

Hide And Go Jihad

"Pakistani government sources tell ABC News they have "credible reports" that Osama bin Laden and his entourage have moved down from high mountainous peaks along the Afghan border to a valley area 40 miles inside the Pakistan border." In other words, we've found him but we are taking our time. One can only assume the reason for this is the U.S. government is waiting to catch him at a more politically strategic time and since Bush is batting a solid .300 in the ratings department, there is no reason to rush anything. In the meantime, our President has switched from reading Dr. Seuss to catching up on his Where's Waldo in preparation.

Found him [ABCNEWS]

These Peanuts Smell Kinda Funny

CBS is reporting that an erderly women passed away on a flight out of Fort Lauderdale this weekend and it went unnoticed for the entire plane-ride. Apparently no one realized that the women had died and merely thought she was taking a quick cross-country nap. No truth to the rumor that "snakes on a plane" had anything to do with it, but I certainly will be keeping my eyes open.

Luck be a lady [CBS]

Seriously there's a movie called Snakes on a Plane [IMDB]

Does This Mean No Mission Impossible Four?

Two news stories in one here. Iran is testing nuclear missiles over in the mid-east desert and our President (What's that guy's name again?) is stating that the U.S. will come to the aid of Isreal, its ally, if any strikes were to occur. This would no doubt result in World War Three and/or more awesome war-themed video games. No jokes. Just warning you all out there. With the world coming to an end is there no better time to spend your last dollars on stuntastic t-shirts at The Stuntastic? I think not.

Missles [THEJERUSALEMPOST]

Payback [CNN]

Barbaro-Q-Sauce

I want my baby-back baby-back baby-back horse. I want my baby-back baby-back baby-back horse. I want my chilieeeeeeeeeeee's. Oh sorry. Yeah everyone's favorite horsey Barbaro is doing just fine. If by just fine they mean slammed head through gate and broke leg in three places all within the last 72 hours then yeah. Just fine.

Awwwww [SPORTSILLUSTRATED]

Like A Virgin Mary

Either to sell tickets to her new concert tour, get featured on The Skim, or perhaps as a result of a surprise attack by The Undertaker, Madonna was recently hung on a cross at a live show of hers. Why? Because there just is not much difference between making racy music videos and dying for your people's sins. Of course, this little not so stuntastic stunt has angered some chuch-folk who seem to have their holy panties up in a bunch. Seems a little cynical for them to get anrgy over someone hanging themself on a cross. Maybe it's just us.

Uh-Oh [BBCNEWS]

This summer's gonna be hot

Sticking with the world destruction theme, here is the trailer for An Inconvenient Truth, otherwise known as Scary Movie 5, which hits theaters this summer. We here at The Skim can't wait to see world renoun loser Al Gore's new film and in the meantime are brainstorming ways we too can convince people that the Earth will self-destruct if they don't buy our product.

Hugging It Out

In order to stop the potential dropping of an atomic bomb which would no doubt result in massive hysteria and for some reason a monkey throwing his own poo, the United States of America has decided to deal with its dangerous enemy by blowing the country into obliv... wait what? They want to talk it out first? From what i've learned from playing mario brothers games, you can easily deal with a big bomb by sneaking up behind it and pushing the b buttom 3 times, so either way we should be fine.

Stopping The Bomb [NYTIMES]

Guaranteed or your sanity back

Controversial religious broadcaster Pat Robertson announced today his premonition for the rest of 2006. It is his belief that recent natrual disasters such as hurricane Katrina were caused by the acceptance of rampant homosexuality in the United States and that more of these natural disasters are soon to come. The christian rightwing radical boldly declared...

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms... there well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."

Any man who hears voices in his head and is on record that he believes 9/11 was caused by pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, and lesbians has got to be telling the truth. Gays and lesbians maybe not, but pagans definately.

Hurricane Clay Aiken [FOXNEWS]

If you build it, they can't come

In a constant effort to out-do the Chinese, the U.S. senate today approved a plan to build a 370 mile wall along the Southern border. Many positive aspects of building this gigantic wall include Mexican immigrants can't cross over into America. Many negative aspects include Mexican immigrants can't cross back over into Mexico. My only suggestion is to have the illegal immigrants build the wall from the Mexican side so they can politely block themselves out when they are finished. What to do when Mongolians mistake us for China and start breaking down the wall is still entirely up for debate.

Laying The Bricks [AP]

What are you giving me that look for?

A scary new epidemic has surfaced in the wild world of cyber-space. No, Anna kournikova websites are not being taken off the internet (we checked... a bunch of times), but instead a federal investigation has revealed the number of sexual predators online to be at an all-time high of 50,000 for each minute of the day. The epidemic is partly contributed to the number of teen networking sites such as myspace.com which provide young adults the ability to become friends with incredibly awesome people. For instance, the guy pictured above is located in "my top 8." It wasn't my fault, we share the same taste in music.

50,000 Large [ABCNEWS]

Totally not being invited to my next seder

The pissed off leader of Iran is at it again, refusing to hand over items that enable the capability to create nuclear weapons. We here at The Skim think they should offer him Park Place and maybe a blank Scrabble tile to seal the deal. But alas the world does not work like a boardgame so I guess we are forced to send over the unstoppable combination of Catwoman and Daredevil to do the job. And if Halle Berry and Ben Affleck can't stop a dangerous terrorist from destroying the world, then life is not worth living anyway. Ahmadinejad had this to say...

"Do you think you are dealing with a 4-year-old child to whom you can give some walnuts and chocolates and get gold from him?"

In Iran, do 4-year-old children run around with nukes and gold and offer them for candy? No wonder why things are so messed up over there.

No Thanks [CNN]

Purple (underpants) Haze

The Northwestern University women's soccer team has been suspended indefinately while the school of higher learning investigates alleged hazing that took place during the last school year. As reported, underclass members of the team were forced to wear only their t-shirts and underwear while being forced to (gasp) drink alcohol. Scantily clad girls and drinking have no place at our nation's colleges. In an unrelated story, male enrollment for Fall 2006 Classes at Northwestern University has gone up by 687 percent.

Story [ABCNEWS]

Pictures [BADJOCK]

What chance does a toy like me have against a Buzz Lightyear action figure?

If you would have told me a couple of years ago that one day massive amounts of people would be protesting the realisticness of a Tom Hanks movie and it wouldn't be Forrest Gump or Castaway, I would have been shocked. Either that or I would have just said, "Tom Hanks made another crap movie?" And yes that is the case. Apparently the cool thing to do this week is watch grey's anatomy and defend the lord Jesus Christ and all that is holy. In contrast to crying over ficticious medical patients, I guess bashing Tom Hanks seems to be the way to go. By the way, did you know they made a book out of this movie? Weird.

Denouncing Da Vinci [CNN]

Can you hear my now? Good. Can you hand over your private information now? Good. Wait what?

As it turns out, Verizon and other major phone companies have been tapping in to (not just the late great biggie smalls' cell phone and home phone in his basement), but the entire population of America. A lawsuit has been filed by Verizon subscribers against Verizon for a hefty sum of 50 billions dollars. I of course do not expect to see any of that money but will settle for a sweet new razor phone, and that Venessa Williams chick from the commercials, and 500 thousand dollars, and a turkey sandwich, exta mustard please.

Bush of course denies the whole thing...

"I've also been clear about the fact that we do not listen to domestic phone calls without court approval and this government will continue to guard the privacy of the American people," he said. "But if al Qaeda is calling into the United States, we want to know, and we want to know why."

Finally. Now the taliban telemarketers can stop calling my house. Bin Laden is really pushy with the whole cable subscription thing, I personally just think he's really lonely. That or he just wants in on the sweet turkey sandwich action.

Sellouts [CNN]